Claude Faustus's User Guide
by xXHanamizukiXx
Summary: I'm terrified of spiders...and I don't understand how fangirls can love a spidery William's cousin wannabe. But the customers like this model, so here ya go! Claude Faustus's User Guide!  the self note...means a possible future fanfic!


:D I guess I'm on a sugar craze today! Wait...I'm on a sugar craze everyday LOL. Mucho love to you all and the world! 3 Especially to my lazy-ass editor friend, who FINALLY got off his butt to come read my fanfics.

As requested, CLAUDE FAUSTUS! (Suggested by Bibbiesparks and BloodyXXRose)

Owner's Guide and Manual: Claude Faustus

He's scary. I mean, I have a severe case of arachnophobia, but he is scary. I took one look at him in the trailer and said to my dearly beloved friend:

"That's William's cousin!"

He looked at me as if I had suddenly gone insane. Then he said slowly,

"...That's a demon."

Whoops.

Your Claude Faustus unit comes with the following:

1) Black tailcoat (what's with demon butlers and tailcoats?)

2) Black vest

3) Black gloves

4) Dress shoes

5) One pair of silver rimmed glasses (Me: He IS Will's cousin! Friend: -facepalm-)

6) Neck ribbon

7) Handmade gold-plated silverware (Phantom Funware Company, see our website for replacement orders)

To remove your Claude Faustus unit:

1) Stick a Sebastian Michaelis unit outside the box, and reprogram him to EPIC BUTLER mode. For a more comedic effect, stick a thick Mr. Pringle-esque mustache on him and set his language mode to FRENCH BUTLER.

2) Get a Alois Trancy unit to open the box. However, this may backfire if a Ciel unit is in the vicinity: regardless of whether your Claude unit is in yaoi mode or not, he will immediately ignore the Alois unit and pay attention to the now disgusted Ciel unit. Can't really blame Claude though; Ciel's tasty.

(Gets stared at by my extremely amazing male (straight) friend.)

What? It's according to the Kuroshitsuji Fangirl Encyclopedia.

Modes your scary SPIDER butler comes in:

Normal: He will transform your house into a spidery wonderland. This is the main reason why I don't have this unit.

Ciel Stalker: This mode would make YOU feel uncomfortable even though YOU'RE not the one being stalked. I mean, Grelly stalking someone (UNDERTAKER) is perfectly acceptable and adorable. Claude? Uh..scary.

EPIC BUTLER: This equals more spiders. In your house. In your refrigerator. In your bed-OMFG!

Bloodthirsty Yaoi: There's no questioning who's on top tonight, or how fast they're going, or what they're using...(gets run over by a crowd of fangirls).

Spider: OMFG do you have any idea how cruel my CEO is? She made me reprogram a malfunctioning one in SPIDER mode and it kept licking me! And calling me CIEL! THAT WAS A NIGHTMARE!

As a butler who can turn gold into dark blue and day into night:

1) Butler: Spidery cleanliness...perfect for the living area of an insect lover.

2) Ciel Stalker: I know, you can't really afford that perfect new Ciel unit, but your snotty neighbor has him and she keeps showing him off like a purebred poodle. I'm positive if she doesn't have the Sebastian unit, her Ciel unit will disappear and end up in your own home. Although slightly scarred and most likely covered with " love" bites.

3) Alois handler: That rabid puppy needs to be contained! Give your Claude unit a leash and steal the doggy biscuits from Undertaker! (Poor Unny-chan...sorry!)

4) Tutor: Wisdom comes with age. He's old. (Is stabbed with a billion shiny gold sporks)

Food:

Like a Sebastian unit, this demon doesn't have to eat anything...but since Ciel is so utterly delectable, Claude will immediately dash after him and say; "私は、欲張って最後まであなたを食い入るようにご主人様が欲しい." (I want to greedily devour you to the end, my master.)

Cleaning:

Do you want to become his choice target for silverware throwing practice?

Questions:

Q: He's having constant fun with a dead Ciel unit.

A: Eww. What do you want me to do about it? He'd just go all spidery on me.

Q: He's in spider mode.

A: HOLY FUCK TAKE CARE OF THAT YOURSELF, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF SPIDERS!

Q: Uh...I'm a fanboy...if I cosplayed as Ciel, would he glomp me?

A: Claude doesn't do glomping. And he's not stupid. He may just laugh his face off. And then he would throw a bunch of gold shiny sporks at you.

SELF-NOTE: Why is it that I've been getting a bunch of repair orders lately? Hmm...must investigate that further. And I've been getting a strange feeling that when I fixed that Claude unit...I must have done something wrong to his programming. His owner seems to have gone missing.

Maybe I should track him down?

-xXHanamizukiXx


End file.
